


Hold You In My Arms

by ChameleonCircuit



Series: Moving On [3]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Carmisi, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Light Angst, Milestones, post-barisi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-06-10 20:11:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15299136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChameleonCircuit/pseuds/ChameleonCircuit
Summary: It was easy to get carried away with the multitude of potentials a future with Carmen could hold. He could already picture himself preparing her dinner when she was late home from the office. He could picture himself sliding a ring on her finger, silver with a sapphire gem because blue was her favorite color. He could picture her, radiant in her wedding gown, her own mother walking her down the aisle in place of her late father. He could picture her smiling at him, hair graying, taking his wrinkled hand in her own, squeezing it tight.





	Hold You In My Arms

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to If I Had A Boat by James Vincent McMorrow when I named this :)
> 
> Thanks to tobeconspicuous for acting as beta

Sonny breathed out a gentle sigh before taking a sip of his beer. He never thought he’d be here, sitting in a bar, discussing relationship problems with his ex. Yet here they were, discussing every aspect of their lives like old friends.

A sense of warmth settled over him at that thought. They _were_ old friends. It didn’t matter that they’d spent part of that time as lovers, as partners, as each other’s everything. They had been, and hopefully always would be, friends.

“It just…” he trailed off, fiddling with the label of his beer as he glanced away from Rafael. “It feels like we don’t have enough time for each other anymore, y’know? Like, at first it was slow going, easing into it, but we started spending almost all our time together for a while.”

Sonny glanced up at Rafael, offering him a small smile in return for the gentle, patient one Rafael was giving him as he listened.

“I dunno. I feel like I haven’t seen her properly in weeks and it’s driving me mad,” he said with a small laugh before taking another sip of his beer. “I love her, and…”

He stopped, mouth still hanging open mid-sentence, brain having short-circuited for a moment with the epiphany. He loved Carmen. He loved her, and he couldn’t believe he hadn’t realized that sooner. He didn’t just love her, he was _in love with her_.

He swallowed, licking his lips, focussing on Rafael again. Rafael, who was smirking at him over his drink, eyes twinkling like he knew a secret.

“What?”

“You’re only just realizing you’re in love with her?” Rafael asks, voice soft but teasing all at once.

“Shut up,” Sonny muttered, taking another mouthful from his drink, more for something to do than anything else.

Rafael snorted, drink hovering at his lips. “Why don’t you move in together?” He asked before taking a sip.

“I…” Sonny licked his lips before running his hand through his hair. “I can’t believe I didn’t think of that myself, to be honest.”

Rafael coughed, nearly choking on his drink as he placed it down, looking at Sonny with wide eyes. “You’re serious?”

“You weren’t?”

Rafael shook his head before huffing out a laugh. “Whatever makes you happy. She’ll say yes if she has even half an inkling of just how lucky she is.”

Sonny watched the soft smile settle on Rafael’s face as he looked at him. He wondered if Rafael was thinking about him, or thinking about Trevor. For the first time since they’d broken up, he found he didn’t mind. He no longer thought about the future he could have had with Rafael. All he could think about was the future he could have with Carmen.

It was easy to get carried away with the multitude of potentials a future with Carmen could hold. He could already picture himself preparing her dinner when she was late home from the office. He could picture himself sliding a ring on her finger, silver with a sapphire gem because blue was her favorite color. He could picture her, radiant in her wedding gown, her own mother walking her down the aisle in place of her late father. He could picture her smiling at him, hair graying, taking his wrinkled hand in her own, squeezing it tight.

But the look Rafael was giving him dragged him back to reality, causing him to second guess the notion entirely. “Is it too soon?”

Rafael gave him a condescending look, but as Sonny squirmed under his gaze, it softened. “When you’ve met the right person, you know. If it feels right to you, ask her.”

Sonny nodded, a warmth filling him up. Just the thought of seeing his things alongside Carmen’s, being able to call things theirs, coming home to someone who loves him, set his heart alight.

* * *

 

A strange mix of nerves and excitement bubbled in the pit of his stomach as he pulled Carmen against him, her back flush against his chest as they settled on the lounge to watch a movie. It had only been a few days since his conversation with Rafael, but it had felt like weeks, months even, with Carmen on his mind almost constantly. That time apart had only cemented the idea that living together would be perfect.

The truth was, she had given his heart a new direction, something else to focus on, and he would be forever grateful for it.

“I love you,” he whispered against her hair, words out before he could contemplate them for too long.

For a brief moment, everything felt right in the world, pieces finally sliding into place as a sense of contentment washed over him. But then Carmen was twisting in his arms, turning to look at him, expression a mixture of disbelief and sadness, and he felt his stomach twist.

“No you don’t,” she said with a hollow laugh, moving out of his arms so she could face him better.

He frowned, reaching out for her on instinct. When she pulled further away from him he felt his heart sink. “I don’t even know what I’m supposed to say to that, except that I do,” he said quietly, voice wavering.

She snorted, rolling her eyes in a way that reminded him of Rafael so much it made him feel sick. “You do remember how we first got together, don’t you?”

Her tone was bitter, twisted, something he’d never heard in her voice before. With a sinking feeling, he realized she must have been holding onto this for a long time.

“Yeah,” he breathed out, moving a little closer to her again. “You were the light at the end of my tunnel and I will never stop being grateful.”

Carmen shook her head, standing up. “You don’t love me, you love him.”

“What?” Sonny shouted, flinching at the sound of his own voice as he stood too, unwilling to be towered over.

“Deny it,” she spat, folding her arms across her chest. “Tell me you don’t love him.”

Sonny opened his mouth, but the words wouldn’t come. It felt like a lie, even though it would have been the right lie to tell in this moment. Instead, he said, “Of course I love him, but I’m _in love_ with you.”

She rolled her eyes again. “That’s exactly it. And that’s exactly why I can’t do this.”

“Are you even listening to me?” He wasn’t sure when this had turned into a shouting match, but both their voices were raised and he couldn’t seem to stop himself. “I said I’m in love with you!”

“But you still love him!”

“I was about to ask you to move in with me!”

Their words echoed in the space between them, both their chests heaving as the reality of their situation set in. His heart broke at the sight of Carmen’s lip trembling as she fought to keep her tears at bay; at the thought that she truly believed he didn’t love her, that she meant so little to him.

“Of course I love him,” Sonny said, forcing his tone to remain calmer, quieter, though it took some effort. “He’s my best friend. I can’t just switch that off to suit you.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” she muttered, turning away from him to grab her cardigan from the armrest.

Without thinking, he surged forward, grabbing hold of her arm, desperate for her to understand.

“Carmen, I love you. I am in love with you. I can’t stop thinking about you, about how important you are to me.” He swallowed against the lump forming in his throat, linking their fingers. “You’re everything to me, and I’m so glad I let you into my life, into my heart, because you’ve changed me, you’ve made me a better person, and I will...I will be indebted to you forever for that.”

He looked down at their hands, ignoring the burning in his eyes and the thudding of his heart, focussing on this, on trying to make her see, to make her understand, that there was no one else in the world for him but her, not anymore.

“You’re all I want for my future,” he whispered, voice shaking. “And...and I understand if that’s not what you want, but I need you to know. I need you to know that I would give up everything for you.”

“Everything except Rafael,” she whispered, turning to face him.

“If...If you asked me to, I--”

“No,” she said quickly, cupping his face in her hand. “No, I could never ask that.”

“You could.” He didn’t trust himself to look at her, didn’t trust his face not to show his pain at the thought of losing Rafael. “If that’s what it took to prove to you that I love you, I would.”

It didn’t matter how much that hurt. He knew it was true. He would do anything she asked of him, absolutely anything.

“I could never,” she whispered, brushing her thumb across his lips. “That would make me a terrible person. I never want to be the kind of person who makes their partner choose like that.”

They were silent for a while, standing in the middle of the living room, movie continuing in the background. Slowly, Sonny turned his head in Carmen’s hand, reaching up to hold her arm as he pressed a kiss to the inside of her wrist.

“Please don’t leave me,” he whispered. “Please.”

“Look at me.”

He finally lifted his gaze, meeting her eyes. His heart twisted at the sight of tears tracking their way down her cheeks, and he swallowed once more against the lump in his throat.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly, brushing her thumb across his cheek. “I’ve been so caught up in my own head that I think I stopped listening to you long ago.”

He nodded, reaching out to pull her closer, resting their foreheads together with a soft sigh. “Whatever you decide--”

“I’ll think about it,” she said quietly.

He nodded again, closing his eyes as her fingers threaded into the back of his hair. He let himself melt into the touch, let himself be guided back to the lounge with her, back to the position they had started in. For just a moment he’d been terrified he was going to lose her, and the relief that she was still here, that she was tracing patterns on his palm lazily, as though they hadn’t just argued over something so big, something so important, was near intoxicating. But it was hard to relax completely.

The fact that she hadn’t said she loved him too, that she needed time to think about what she wanted, was not lost on him. But she hadn’t left, she hadn’t taken her things and walked out. She was still here, still holding him, still willing to stick around.

He didn’t quite know where they stood or what would happen next, and his heart ached with the thought that he could lose her, too, after everything. He wasn’t sure he could handle that, not again. Not when he’d opened his heart up to her in a way he’d never thought possible.

But he knew a large part of that was on him. Clearly, he hadn’t been open enough, honest enough, obvious enough, or loving enough, and he vowed to fix that. He vowed to make her see, to make her understand, that there was no one else in the world for him but her.

 


End file.
